Saturday, March 24, 2012

Facebook - The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

I love Facebook.

Most of the time.

But recently I experienced one of the most hurtful things I've experienced in a very long time.

There's a reason, made very obvious to me just this past week, to not discuss politics.

The problem comes when people who deeply believe different things stop "discussing" and stoop to personal insults.  Or worse - invite their friends in to sling the personal insults, thinking, I guess, that this saves them from having to own their actions. 

And then after leaving the conversation, the insults continue behind your back.

Try to lay some facts on the table and you get called condescending.

Beware of those you call friend.

They're the ones who will hurt you the most.

And here's another bit of pettiness which has been called to my attention having to do with Facebook. 

For some reason people I know have brought to question the fact that I have so many Facebook friends who are published authors.  Apparently not believing that any of these people could possibly be a "real" friend.  Why would they want to be friends with me, for heaven's sake - I am, apparently, just nothing special and no one that anyone "famous" would ever waste their time on. 

I'd love to post pictures here of me with the writers I do, in fact, know personally.  But you know, I shouldn't have to defend who I am.  There are lots of those pictures available all over the web of me with some of these people.  Lots of them right here at my blog and links in the sidebar to conventions I've attended.   Some of these writers I know very well, some I have only met briefly at the conventions I attend.  Many I've known for a very long time - some since before they ever had their first book published.  They are honest friendships that have grown over the years.

Friends.  Wow. 

No one can hurt you quite like a "friend.

And - the other recent hurt.

"She says she's written a book."

"Yeah, sure."


Nice conversation, huh?

"Friends" love to share these conversations they've had or overheard.  For some reason they think (or so they say) that we "need" to know what other people are saying about us.

Friends.  Wow.

No one can hurt you quite like a "friend."


Anonymous said...

keep your friends close and your enemie closer. worked for me for a long time until i took a stand. then i got thrown out because the truth hurt.

Barb Goffman said...

Oh, Kaye. You don't need these insecure people in your life. At least now they've shown themselves, so you can cast them aside and not look back. Too many people appreciate you for who you are for you to pay any mind to these douchebags.
One not-so-famous author who'd love to have her picture taken with you at Malice

Vicki Lane said...

Fuck 'em, bless their hearts.

LJ Roberts said...

Vicki Lane -- I love you; just sayin'.

Kaye, anyone who knows you and is truly your friend also knows you are well-known and loved by a wide spectrum of authors and non-authors. Anyone who questions that is NOT your friend and should be dismissed as a not worth your time. Ignore them; de-friend.

Those who resort to insults and personal attacks are ignorant and should likewise be ignored and de-friended.

Eve Barbeau said...

Sorry you are hurting. Wish I could say "let it slide off your back like water off a duck", but that never works for me either. Hey, I have famous authors I've never met as my friends. One of them is Kaye Wilkenson Barley. ;-)

Kaye Wilkinson Barley - Meanderings and Muses said...

You guys are the best. Thank you. I've also posted this same comment at Facebook, so bear with me if you see it more than once (or even more than twice!).

I realize I've mentioned this "friendship" thing a lot during the past several months. Obviously, it's an issue I'm having some issues with. And with all honesty, I take some responsibility for the recent political falling out. What I think I need to do is start keeping some of my political opinions to myself.

The fact that someone I love called on someone else to come in and fight his battle at Facebook threw me for a loop that I'm having a hard time casting off. The person who stepped in is someone I've never met and her words were personal rather than political, and hurtful.

The hard fact to face is that just because a friendship has a long history, it may not still mean it's a friendship. It may be based solely on a history that has no bearing on who we are today - as much as we might wish it did.

We do, I guess, tend to remember the old days as the "good ol' days." They may have been, but those days have come and gone and it's time to focus on the good ol' days of today and tomorrow. If that means leaving some people behind then, sadly, so be it. It may be one of the hardest things I've ever done, but I refuse to just sit by and be treated with so little respect. It's just not gonna happen any more. I'm not the scared little mouse of a girl I was while growing up. I've learned I have a voice and by golly I am not afraid to use it.

I love you guys. Truly and deeply.

Vicki - you made me HOWL! Thank you!

Hugs Hugs Hugs!

Leslie Budewitz said...

Kaye --

Looking forward to meeting you at Malice and becoming an in-person friend as well!

Alice Duncan said...

I have lots of friends on Facebook whom I've never met in "real" life, but they're still friends. I'm sorry you've been hurt by some of your friends, Kaye. That sucks.

Anonymous said...

You know, to coin a Southern phrase, tacky, so, so tacky. The internet and all it has brought us is a marvel and I do believe that it has bewitched people to think that what they say does not matter. It's sad. And the things said through emails, Facebook, texts or whatnot are so immediate. You say it and it's there. Forever. Maybe there is something to be said for the slowness of snail mail or telephone calls.

Kaye, I don't really know you, but I've known of you for years and years. In my mind, you were another "Kay" on DorothyL, which is where I first "heard" your voice. It's a shame when people act so "tacky" and no, you don't have to take it. Hugs and I can't wait until your book is ready for all of us to sample. Excitement reigns.

Timothy Hallinan said...

Blow them off, Kaye. None of us is infinite, and there's no point in spending a second on people who try to diminish us. Obviously, they feel wretched about themselves, but as Vicki says, fuck 'em.

Bobbie said...

What Vicki said, AMEN. I learned to not discuss politics, the hard way--best lessons learned that way--but I am strongly, privately, political, and if get pushed into a corner or questioned, I do stand up and say as nicely as I can, but firmly, my belief, and why. I will not argue--discuss, yes, sure, that's good, opens minds...but not argue. The people who want to call names, and argue, and cast personal aspersions at me or others, I've learned to just leave-tough but necessary for my own heart and mind. And I would never freely talk about my politics in a public internet or public group like Facebook--another lesson I learned the hard way, those you think are friends, in most cases are not real friends, and there are so very many people out there who get their fun by hurting others.

Kaye, you are so vibrant, so honest and true, so caring--and other people will use that against you, if they can...unfortunately there are way too many folks out there who like to do that...even to 'friends', even real friends. Yes, as someone here suggested, de-friend them--is that a Facebook term? I won't do social things like Facebook, but that's just me. And I'm social enough to love watching your blog and commenting, smile.

I've known some authors as friends, some as good acquaintances, some just a hi-bye at a convention...and if others can't believe that, they should go to a convention-mystery conventions really are friendly. And YES you did write a book, yay Kaye! You do have friends, Kaye dear, many, many friends.

Back away and breathe deep, look at the sky, ponder, enjoy your dear husband and dog, work out a bit or take a good walk, read a good book, and know that after a bit, you'll gain some better perspective--it will just take a while when things hurt so badly. We're here. You are a very special lady--and you and I have never met, but still, I know you are special--see, there are some good ones too.


Shane Gericke said...

When your "friends" leave such comments, laugh about it, Kaye! Sing a hearty "tra-la." For you have outed them as trolls, not friends, and found they are as irrelevant as the stuff that collects between one's toes in the course of the day. If they don't think you wrote a book, imagine the shock they will feel when you hit the NYT bestsellers list ... while your real friends applaud.

Lesa said...

Ah, Kaye. It's only the people we think of as friends who can really hurt us. We brush aside comments from people we don't care about. Just want to know that your true "friends," whether we've physically met or not, would never treat you that way. I unfriended someone on Facebook once. I couldn't stand the comments she made. But, I never responded to her. And, your "friend," if they felt so strongly, should have just quietly slunk away like a snake in the grass. said...

Ya know Kaye, although we've never met in person, I've felt that, through emails, facebook, and Dorothy L, that you are my friend. We've discovered we are kindred sisters with, shall I say, "pasts"? (or at least you certainly seem to appreciate mine!), and I am thrilled your are writing a book. Forget those fools! They are just jealous of your special self.

Patricia Stoltey said...

Mark Twain said, "It takes your enemy and your friend, working together, to hurt you to the heart; the one to slander you and the other to get the news to you."

Ain't it the truth?

Tell 'em all to go pound sand!

Kaye Wilkinson Barley - Meanderings and Muses said...

Thank you, everyone! You've helped me move from "hurt" to "pissed." and it feels loads better! HA!!!

and I'm betting I'll very soon be in the "oh, who cares?" stage.


Prentiss Garner said...

Vicki said it best, Kaye and said it like a sweet southern lady!!!!
Those people are not important in your life. You know the ones who are.

Prentiss Garner